Here it is, September 21st, 2019 at 11:35 at night. It’s the last Saturday of the summer and the last one before my 28th birthday. It’s such a beautiful blessing to grow old. I’ve leaned into new opportunities these past couple months and each opportunity has challenged me to grow tremendously. I’m learning you can either see a challenge as an opportunity to grow and lean into or an opportunity to grow as a challenge and lean away. My shift from the latter perspective to the forward perspective has significantly fueled my progress. As I continue to unlock more wisdom from time, I’m able to experience more gratitude. It feels good to know that more healing is attainable. Though, there is still much effort and commitment that I must continue to put forth on this journey.
On Father’s Day, I sent my Dad a couple dollars and told him that I would change my last name back to preserve the legacy. We shared the same full name when I was younger but eventually my last name changed. I can recall my paternal grandmother calling me “Junie” as a name of endearment when I was younger. Junie was her version of Junior (Jr.)
So nostalgic.
My inner child smiles with warmth as I remember the innocence of being a child again. Though, I did not always feel that warmth—specifically from my Dad.
My Dad had a vision of how I could build on his legacy as his son. I was a tall chubby boy but was considered too emotional or “soft.” Plus, I preferred the arts over sports. I was usually ostracized by peers and found myself in isolation. And that was not part of his vision. My Dad has been present throughout my life but there was a recognizable distance between us when I was younger. I felt he viewed me as a disappointment because I was different than what he expected. I viewed him as a disappointment because he did not embrace my differences. This caused me to seek more attention and comfort from my mom. I felt more warmth and less shame from her.
Eventually, I started to feel more warmth from my Dad as I developed into an athlete on the football field and basketball court. He was proud of me; however, I still felt cold towards him. I did not believe my Dad loved me unconditionally—he loved me under the condition that I was in aligned with his vision. That never sat right with me. I was hurt and had serious resentment towards my Dad which is why I wanted my last name changed. I did not want to associate my legacy with him.
But we’ve made great strides in a healthier direction over time.
Our relationship strengthened when I moved back home after graduate school. We were able to establish a friendship within our father-son relationship. We spent more time with each other, sought to understand each other by asking questions, listened without as much judgment, and expressed various emotions with more intentionality. This shift in our relationship made me commit to changing my last name back and accepting the responsibility to heal our legacy. Now, it feels normal for me to tell my Dad that I love him and for me to hear my Dad tell me that he loves me. The reconciliation of our relationship started because of our collective actions. I was open and took initiative to understand my Dad’s childhood and his relationship with my grandfather. My Dad was open and leaned into opportunities to share that perspective with me.
My inner child seen his inner child and we hugged. I was able to understand him and forgive him. I could see his struggles and strides to be better. I was able to humanize my Dad.
As #LiberateTheFlame2019 continues, I’d like to share some lessons that I’ve learned through the reconciliation of my relationship with my Dad. A necessary process I had to start to gain the capacity and understanding to heal our legacy.
Go at your own pace. Healing is an on-going process in practice. It’s common to experience frustration or discouragement during this process. Be kind to yourself in those moments. I needed to mature in a different environment away from my Dad and at my own pace to gain the capacity to understand first so that I could allow myself to forgive him. I went at the pace that felt good to me and adjusted when needed. Allow yourself to move through this healing process without irresponsibly hurting self or others.
Lead with understanding. More so, in a way to allow space for reconciliation to occur whether it is with self or the other person. Not in a way to justify the intentions of someone who has caused harm or disregard the impact of their actions on you. Learning about my Dad’s childhood and his relationship with my Grandfather has been insightful. He did not have the outlet or tools to process his experience or their relationship dynamic. My Dad is working to be better. Consistent effort towards changed behavior is valuable. Continue to seek new information and lean into or create opportunities to share your perspective to allow better understanding.
Start healing your Legacy. It’s never too late. Find the spaces and tools needed to unpack and process the hurt you’ve experienced throughout your childhood. Writing has created that space and been a helpful tool for me. I’m acknowledging and unlearning the practices and behaviors that I was taught to survive. I’m exploring what I need to thrive instead of only thinking about survival. I’m finding more connections and spaces where I feel warmth and can be warm. Finding healthier practices to implement and developing healthier behaviors to replace what was unlearned. Over time, these practices will strengthen my roots and allow for my legacy to manifest from a healthier foundation. Nourish your roots.
As #LiberateTheFlame2019 slowly approaches a new phase, prioritize healing to gain more access to your liberation. My inner child is still hella present. As an adult, I’m still resolving hurt that has shown up negatively in adulthood. I’m actively working towards healing my inner child to increase vitality. For me, it’s about shifting the trajectory of the generational cycle and implementing healthier practices and beliefs each
generation. A shift feels more realistic because the goal is more achievable, removes the unnecessary pressure, and allows more room for authenticity.
Imagine seeing your children and grandchildren unlearn the beliefs and behaviors that fuels the cycle because of the healing done by the previous generation. That’s poetic.
Continue to work on the stanza that you want to pass down to the next generation in #LiberateTheFlame2019.