Here it is, May 10th, 2019, at 7:07 in the evening. I’ve decided to take a partial sick day to tend to my mental health needs. I’m in auto-living mode because I’m hella burned out and about to crash. This is a strong indicator that I’ve been ignoring my boundaries. Problematic, I know. Acknowledging my responsibility to self requires recognizing the symptoms of being burned out—feeling depressed and higher than normal anxiety—along with the impact of the symptoms. Nowadays, I struggle with getting out the bed for work. I sometimes skip dinner and go straight to bed after work, and I engage in unhealthy behaviors to feel better—only to rebuke myself later. At times, those rebuking moments can damage my confidence and self-worth—pushing me deeper into a depressive state.
*inhales deeply, exhales slowly*
On the real, I sucked at maintaining boundaries, but I’ve made major strides with acknowledging the impact of all harmful behaviors, holding myself accountable to my boundaries, and communicating my boundaries as I feel fit. It started with giving myself consent to understand and set boundaries that would allow for me to be healthy which was liberating. Through self-reflection, I discovered the root of 98% of my internal and external conflicts were due to the absences of boundaries. Either I allowed myself to engage in self-harm behavior (I.e deprioritizing the responsibility to hold space for myself) or I allowed others to cause harm to me without addressing the impact it had on me. I’ve learned that you cannot force anyone to respect your boundaries. However, you can identify a set of healthy steps to follow and practice self-care by holding yourself accountable to those steps. It’s their choice to respect your boundaries as it’s your choice to honor your boundaries and hold space for self.
The hardest part is working through the reality that there are people you care for deeply, who may feel threatened by your boundaries or not see the importance of boundaries. The reality is, people struggle with understanding boundaries when boundaries do not exist within their life. I know because when boundaries did not exist in my life, I did not lead with understanding the boundaries of others all the time. I’ve caused harm because of the boundaries I did not seek to understand; therefore, causing me to operate from a space of ignorance. Apologies are cool but changed behavior is better. Changed behavior displays a commitment to respect boundary limits.
I’m happy to report I’m doing much better.
What is this hold space concept that continues to re-appear? For me, to hold space for others is the action of being present with someone else as they experience, process, and express their conflict/s. To hold space requires emotional labor and/or mental labor depending on the severity of their conflict/s and the need/s of the person. Once conflicts were shared with me by a person, I internalized and stored their conflicts like an archive which took up space that I needed for myself. I internalized their conflict/s to ensure that I was present and able to process in collaboration with them. I stored their conflicts and in return, took up space that I needed for myself and ignored the impact of holding space for others. I disregarded my needs because I knew their intentions were good and allowing myself to acknowledge and express the impact would prevent me from being fully present with that person.
*inhales deeply, exhales slowly*
Yet, I still find a way to hold space for multiple groups of people such as my mentees, my friends, my family, and even strangers. I’ve always struggled with prioritizing the boundary to hold space for myself. Physically, my body feels too crowded and responds by activating my auto-living mode. Intense anxiety creates a blockage that slowly causes me to feel like I’m suffocating. In those moments of intense anxiety, I ground myself by taking a deep breath… or twelve.
The process of breathing, inhaling deeply and exhaling slowly, is a tool I use to carve off pieces from the blockage—and hold space for myself. There is a mental, emotional, and spiritual effect from burn out that goes unacknowledged. I experience the feeling of abandonment because I don’t hold space for myself and deprive myself of allowing others to hold space for me. I’m learning it is ok to ask people to hold space for me.
*inhales deeply, exhales slowly*
Part of the progress includes taking the initiative to encourage people close to me to identify their boundaries and to discuss ways that I can support their boundaries within my capacity. By no means, are these conversations simple, short or fun because boundaries can feel uncomfortable at the beginning. The feelings change as all parties begin to communicate boundaries and feel supported by one another. I’ve found that having these conversations has deepened my relationship with some people close to me and allowed a chance to reconcile unhealthy relationships with others. This process takes time and you must determine if it will be worthwhile.
*cough* what about liberation? *cough yells a familiar face in the audience.
As I mentioned earlier, giving myself permission to communicate my boundaries was a liberating act. I believe liberation is about healing, being my most authentic self, and finding or creating spaces that support my authentic self. Boundaries remind me to prioritize healing, remind me to be my authentic self, and remind me that I deserve spaces where I can be supported as my authentic self. Lastly, boundaries remind me to prioritize and hold space for myself frequently. Some boundaries include communication boundaries, physical space boundaries, time boundaries, and relational boundaries. As I continue on my path of liberation in #LiberateTheFlame2019, I’d like to share a few thoughts with you.
Be kind to yourself and use your voice. I remind myself this frequently. Silence can be a form of kindness towards self but not all the time. Silence can also be a reflex due to constantly being silenced by authority figures in your life. You have authority over your voice. Our voices are a powerful medium to advocate for ourselves. Some communities have historically been oppressed by others silencing our voice—some of my communities. Communicate your truth, your needs, your limitations, your expectations, and your boundaries. Use your voice to encourage and celebrate yourself. Don’t oppress your voice. Let your voice be heard.
Breathe. Check-in with yourself by assessing your physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual well-being. Bring more awareness to your breathing. Focus your attention on your breathing and not the conflict/s. Breathing, specifically inhaling deeply and exhaling slowly, provides a space to slow down, bring yourself to the present, and release the unnecessary tension. As you return to your normal breath, start using other healthy tools that help with releasing tension. Continue to breathe.
Practice consistency and honor your boundaries. It’s been a challenge to honor my boundaries consistently. It’s new and at times requires me to release familiar beliefs and behaviors that do not align with my boundaries. However, it’s worth it. There are still moments when I feel conflicted because some boundaries prevent me from supporting others especially when they request support. I honor my boundaries by communicating the support I can provide versus feeling the pressure to support without acknowledging my capacity. In those moments, I hear myself, I see myself, I value myself, and I empower myself. Holding myself accountable to my boundaries and holding space for myself prevents burnout.
Hold space for yourself. Reserve space and time for self. Make holding space for self a part of your daily routine. Prioritize the time you reserved to hold space for yourself. Check-in and address any internal conflict/s. Develop a plan of action for the external conflicts. Make sure your personal needs receive your full attention. End with gratitude. Schedule another time to hold space for self. Honor that time and reserve that space.
As #LiberateTheFlame2019 continues, remember to check-in with yourself more and assess your overall well-being. Acknowledge your needs and boundaries. Honor your needs and boundaries by communicating your needs and boundaries. People benefit from seeing others’ boundaries and the benefit of holding space for self especially the younger generation. Slow down, breathe, and ground yourself in the present moment. Check yourself when you engage in oppressive and unhealthy behaviors towards yourself or others. Be kind to yourself. Use your voice because it matters, and you matter.
Continue to figure out the healthy habits that you need to practice in order for you to be liberated and hold space for self in #LiberateTheFlame2019.