Here it is, February 22nd, 2019 at 10:30 in the evening. As Black History Month comes to an ending and International Women’s Month approaches--I’d like to recognize Black Women across the diaspora. My first experience with Black Women came from my first love, my mom. Then my grandmothers, my aunts, and other Black Women a part of my community. We often talk about the importance of black boys and young men being surrounded by a strong community of Black Men; however, we must never underestimate the power of a strong community of Black Women. Both are equally important, and I am thankful for my community of Black Women.
Recently, I treated myself to a video capturing the exchange of realness between Nikki Giovanni and James Baldwin. The two literary giants shared their profound perspectives as they discussed a range of topics rather relevant to now—please treat yourself to these gems. Their realness about Love in the Black Community stood out to me the most. Their dialogue encouraged me to explore my relationships with Black Women as a Black Man. As Nikki Giovanni spoke, I heard the voices of the Black Women in my community speaking to me specifically my past partners.
I luh me some Black Women but I haven’t loved Black Women the proper way. Nikki Giovanni called me out on my shit—just like a Black Woman would and I sincerely apologize to all of you.
Around the same time, one of my close friends posed a question to our friend circle about character flaws we bring into our relationships. My response to the question was that I attempt to hide my emotional side. I wanted to prove to my partners that I was the provider, the protector—I was strong. As a young boy, I was rather sensitive and sought a lot of nurturing. During my adolescence, I began to see my emotional side as a deficit and not as an asset in relationships. I started to lean on my logical side and developed a wall between my emotions and my partners to hide my emotional side. The wall did not block all emotional attachment, it allowed for me to hide or filter my emotions as I felt fit. The natural response to my wall was that my partner created a wall also. The more hurt we caused each other, the thicker our walls grew between each other weakening our emotional connection. By the time I communicated my feelings to my partner, most of the emotions were filtered out. Unfortunately, I was being a provider and protector but not in a healthy way. I provided a wall and protected myself to feel safe.
Loving someone does not feel safe.
Loving someone feels intimidating.
If it’s not mutually intimidating, throw it away.
Thankfully, I’m able to recognize the harm I’ve caused and I’m actively working towards changing my behavior and challenging my ideologies. I was not transparent with my partners about my wall nor did I receive consent from them to accept the responsibility of eliminating the wall. That was and remains my job. Moving to New York City has provided a great space for me to dive into this self-liberating work and eliminate the wall. Moving here was exciting; however, maintaining that excitement through the loneliness has been draining. Though I have access to some dope networks, I intentionally avoided those spaces because they were too comfortable for me. I had to take time to adjust to being present in a new space. I had to take time to process that New York City was home for now and jumping right into the fast pace of the city would be unsustainable for me. I had to take time to figure out the spaces and communities I wanted to occupy. I’m giving myself consent to understand and set my boundaries, to love self and others, and to go at my own pace.
Most recently, I attended this work-shop in Brooklyn where myself and some beautiful souls discussed the Alpha Male/Female Theory.
Best decision made that weekend!
The space, the people, the energy, the authenticity, the dialogue, THE COMMUNITY was what I’ve been seeking. We discussed the origin of the theory and explored the traits associated with being an Alpha person along with the experiences that comes with exhibiting Alpha type traits. Eventually, we discussed the two sides of the brain (left v. right/masculine v. feminine/logical v. emotional) and explored how each side showed up in our relationships and experiences. We even scratched the surface of toxic masculinity and toxic femininity from a gender inclusive perspective which was refreshing. One of the facilitators, a black man, shared he explored his femininity because he recognized an imbalance due to his instinctive nature to lean on his masculinity.
Did reading that sentence trigger something in you? Explore it!
His words triggered something in my mind and at that moment everything clicked.
I too have been imbalanced. I deprived myself of experiencing my femininity specifically related to expressing emotions and being nurturing out of the fear of losing my masculine edge. I felt my femininity was a deficit that I needed to hide.
Being transparent, I do not think it would’ve clicked coming from anyone else aside from a black man. I hear certain truths better when it comes from someone that looks like me.
As one of my friends would say, “tell on yourself, it’s therapeutic.” I’ll openly admit I was immature at nurturing but I’m maturing. Growing up, exhibiting any form of femininity was unsafe and considered problematic for a boy. Developing my masculinity became a tool to protect myself and others against threats. My masculinity became my contribution to all relationships whether it was family, friends, or partners. My ability to protect others validated that I was becoming a strong man—but I was also becoming a draining partner. My abilities to express my emotions and nurture others were rather limited and I was too prideful to admit it. Also, I was expecting my partners to provide nurturing that I was not providing for myself—without receiving their consent.
Now, I think about the importance of nurturing myself so that I can nurture my partner and children. I think about the importance of both of us being fluid and fluent in our own masculinity and femininity and how fulfilling that partnership will be for us. Fluidity looks like creating a space for each other to flow freely between masculinity and femininity as we feel fit. Fluency looks like taking the time to explore and understand our own femininity and masculinity and intentionally communicating our understanding in a healthy manner to each other. Much gratitude to all Women especially Black Women. As a Black Man, it is important for me to communicate that I can and will nurture you. You deserve to be nurtured and your nurturing should be valued and honored. I am committed to you. I’m learning and I will continue to be open to learning more about how I can nurture you as I continue to do my self-liberating work. Much gratitude to past partners for holding it down, for allowing me to share space with you, for allowing me to grow with you through trial and error, and for being you.
As I continue to do this work in #LiberateTheFlames2019, I would like to share a few lessons from this epiphany.
Consent and Transparency Matters. Don’t assume one’s capacity to hold space for you will always be reserved for you because of your relationship with that person. Sometimes one must reserve that space for themselves. Seek their consent and allow for them to make the decision to hold space for you—be fair. Hold people accountable for seeking your consent. Don’t assume it’s your responsibility to hold space for someone that did not ask. If they do ask, then you still have the choice. Lastly, be up front about your walls and fears. Vulnerability reveals Authenticity.
Learn and communicate your boundaries. Why build walls when you can communicate boundaries and hold people accountable for respecting your boundaries? Now that I’m eliminating the wall, I’m able to understand my boundaries more. Walls are detrimental in all relationships. Communicating and respecting boundaries are necessary in all relationships. The creation of my wall was rooted in hurt, but the creation of my boundaries are rooted in healing and growth. Be prepared to lose people close to you because they do not respect your boundaries. Remind yourself that there are people that will respect your boundaries. Lastly, seek to hear and respect their boundaries as well.
Find your balance. Balance does not always feel like complete Zen but it’s essential to one’s sustainability. Femininity and Masculinity can co-exist in all beings. Femininity expresses love through nurturing and masculinity expresses love through protecting. Femininity encourages collaboration and masculinity encourages competition. Both are equally important with different strengths. Heal your relationship with the other—whether it is femininity or masculinity. Allow yourself to freely explore your femininity and masculinity. Find the balance for you to manifest harmonic synergy within and for the purpose of knowing your role in maintaining harmonic synergy with your partner.
Eliminate the wall so that you can explore and experience all your strengths and weaknesses. Once you’ve explored and experienced those aspects, you’ll gain a better understanding of your nuanced thoughts, feelings, emotions, and actions. By giving yourself consent to understand and set boundaries, to love self and others, and to go at your own pace—you begin to nurture yourself. Eliminating the wall creates more space for you to start the process of understanding and developing your fluidity and fluency. Maintaining the harmonic synergy between femininity and masculinity is a healthy practice that should be passed down to future generations. It’s time for us to develop our wholeness without walls because we deserve freedom.
Eliminate that mufuckin wall in #LiberateTheFlame2019