I highly recommend you check out Trust the Flame before you read this reflection. The other post from 2018 are optional.
Here it is, December 31st, 2018 at 11:54 at night. Last year, I brought in the New Year in front of my laptop working on a reflection piece and made the commitment to continue the tradition every year. A tradition that provides a space for reflection from the previous year to transition into intentional direction for the new year. One of my goals for this tradition is to be in a different country or state each year. Last year, I was in Maryland sitting in my room at my parent’s house and now I am in New York City sitting in my living room.
Goodness.
I’m still shocked that I live in New York City to be honest—but I’m thankful (securing housing was mad trash B). This time last year, New York City was not even remotely on my radar. It’s funny how the universe works. At the beginning of 2017, I applied and was rejected admission into an International Development graduate program in Switzerland. Later, I applied and was accepted into Peace Corps for a volunteer placement in Ecuador. Shortly after the acceptance, I tripped over the plug and caused a serious electrical fire that resulted in my acceptance being torched at the end of 2017. I had accepted that it was meant for me to build in the Washington DC Metropolitan area for a little bit longer. The DC area seemed like it was in my plan because each time I tried to move elsewhere it was not successful. Throughout the beginning of 2018, I applied to various jobs in the field of policy, research, and youth development. I would progress through the process enough to gain confidence but never secured the bag. Oddly enough, I did not feel discouraged when the offers were not made. That is, except for one. I applied for my (then) dream job which combined components of all three fields into one and had the worst phone interview ever. Luckily, my trip to Colombia helped ease the pain away with warm weather and vibrant energy. Once I returned from Colombia, I realized it was time for me to make the transition to another state. In retrospect, those opportunities manifested enough to serve their purpose yet keep me aligned with my divine purpose. Thankfully, I accepted the offer from an organization doing the work that fits best.
Goodness.
As I prioritize positivity, I am removing barriers that hindered positivity in my life. When I accepted that it was meant for me to build in the DC area for a little bit—it was meant for me to build myself. I was seeking a safe haven in all those different places instead of taking the necessary steps to create a safe haven in self. I thought growth only meant to move forward or upward but realized this type of growth required me to move backward and downward—I had to dig deeper. The deeper I dug, the more I realized there was hurt that I never processed. I did not process the hurt when I was younger because I did not have the tools back then. I just adapted.
*cues Daniel Caesar “Who Hurt You”
Seriously, I was hurtin’ and the healing could only start for me where it began. My hurt showed up in the form of fear, anxiety, doubt and the infamous anger. Throughout #AllGreenEverything2018, I was able to connect the dots between experiences that caused me to feel fear, anxiety, doubt and anger. The more I explored, the more I understood how prevalent past hurt was and its connection to how I showed up and how I interacted with others.
Goodness.
I spoke about finding comfort in the flames that were contained because they made me feel safe. It wasn’t until recently that I realized how much hurt was associated with me minimizing myself to make others feel safe. I had normalized minimizing myself and my purpose to the point that it became comforting. As I grew older, I responded by over-maximizing myself because I felt like my voice had went unheard for too long. A big black boy seen as a threat, but only looking for protection turned into a big black man that embraced others’ perception of being a threat to feel protected. How tiring is it to feel like you’re always under attack because people see you as a threat and remind you that your presence is threatening? The shit is draining. The life you missed out on to make others feel safe or even the life you created to protect yourself. Like shackles, the hurt can have you chained with restricted mobility. The shackles limit your ability to grow into your authentic self and purpose preventing attainment of peace. #AllGreenEverything2018 heightened my awareness of the shackles. The year developed my confidence and trust in my authentic self. This strengthened my understanding of my purpose which allowed me to remove the shackles. Now, I’m finding my balance between over-maximizing and minimizing myself that’s healthy and sustainable. Regardless, I refuse to feed into others’ perception of being viewed as a threat to protect myself or others.
To be honest,
I’m a loving black man that is understanding and prioritizing self-love.
I’m a loving black man that enjoys being loved and loving others.
I’m a loving black man that is not a threat.
I’m a loving black man that’s learning to live life with intentionality yet unprotected (for the most part).
Once you make the decision to trust the flame, then you must liberate the flame. The motto for this year is #LiberateTheFlame2019.
Liberation can be an intimidating process. To engage in liberation work, is to move through the next phase of reconciliation with self, specifically, your authentic self. The first phase is building trust and faith in self and your divine purpose. That is when the healing on this (long ass) journey begins. We all have a divine purpose. I’m not referring to the purpose created by society with selfish intentions. I’m referring to the purpose that’s been internally brewing for years since we were young—our destiny. Purpose that can lead us along paths which at times can be lonely and dark. Our authentic self evolves as we encounter various experiences that enhance our gifts. Unfortunately, some gifts are associated with deep hurt, so we ignore them. We must own the hurt. Not normalize the hurt, not excuse the hurt, or even take responsibility for the hurt caused. When I say own the hurt, I mean process the hurt, grow from the hurt and then focus on your personal healing process so that you’re able to move through the hurt without abandoning your authentic self—or the gifts. Those experiences are meant to shape us and prepare us for our divine purpose. Our authentic self provides us with direction to fearlessly pursue our divine purpose.
To engage in liberation work, is to share your spark that you’re meant to add to the flame of humanity. Liberation is not only about self—it’s about all people. The flame of humanity can only be liberated when more people actualize their purpose. There is a shift happening. More people are acknowledging the discomfort associated with being stuck which is a beautiful sign. But, we need more people to move through the next steps after acknowledging the discomfort.
Trust and have faith in your authentic self and your divine purpose.
Liberate yourself from the hurt.
Step into the journey of your divine purpose with a clearer view.
Join the collective effort to liberate the flame of humanity.
Liberation is the most effective when the free use their collective effort to focus on a shared goal—what better goal than liberation? There is enough space and love for us to co-exist in our authentic state with one another and remain unprotected yet respected. That’s true freedom.
This is just the beginning as I explore liberation from different angles and share my experiences.
Here’s to #LiberatetheFlame2019 where you can catch me on my liberatin’ shit.
Join me.