Here it is, September 28th, 2018 at 8:38 in the evening. I’m in an Uber and finally have some time to write my reflection as I’ve processed my thoughts about Year 26. I turned 27 on the 26th of this month and Year 26 came with the shits. I woke up on my birthday feeling the lowest of any birthday. The more I reflected on the year, the more I felt overwhelmed with disappointment about the poor decisions I’ve made. The disappointment fueled my anxiety and fear like wood to a bonfire.
I remember watching bonfires back in the day when things were cool. Those bonfires were exciting experiences. The flames were controlled yet strong. As I stare at this bonfire, I recognize a familiar flame that symbolizes my future becoming stronger. Watching this bonfire does not feel exciting anymore. As I toss my disappointment into the pit, I feel uncertain about the intentions of the flame and the potential harm I can cause myself and others. The flame made me feel uncomfortable, though contained now, at any moment the flame could cause damage.
At the beginning of Year 26, I lost trust and faith in self and had to start over. I had to learn how to trust and believe in myself again. I shattered the construct of perfection that I molded for myself. I had to start taking time to understand, embrace, and develop my authentic self. No one else could do that for me and it would be unfair to expect anyone to accept that responsibility. From planning to leave the country as a Peace Corps Volunteer, to my first encounter with the law, to my Peace Corps invitation being rescinded--I had to take time to process everything. I started off with some bumps and used those lessons to leap higher. My response to those series of events were brewing in January and evolved throughout the year. I launched my website, planned Operation: New York City, and received an offer in New York City from an organization doing the work that fits best.
You’re probably wondering why I woke up feeling depressed on my 27th birthday. The reflection humbled me, and I felt uncertain about the future. Looking back, I can celebrate my response to the beginning of Year 26. As the momentum continues into Year 27, I must acknowledge and frequently remind myself of three points.
First, I must acknowledge that there is no correlation between perfection and success--at least for me. I thought making flawless decision all the time equated to a perfect journey which led to success. When I made poor decisions, I feared success would be out of my reach because my journey was flawed. I was anxious about the possibility of reaching success with an imperfect journey.
Luckily, I’ve learned success is only out of my reach if I refuse to grow on my journey. I can strive to make the perfect decision every time (including the maintenance of perfection) but that is a flawed concept. I would rather let go of the construct of perfection and value my journey. An imperfect journey does not equate to failure and making the perfect decision every time does not guarantee success.
Second, I must acknowledge that all of this takes time. Recognizing the importance of your authenticity takes time. Changing thoughts and behaviors molded over years rooted in a false sense of purpose (*cough perfection *cough) takes time. Growing into your authenticity takes time. Discerning the best environments for your authenticity to grow takes time. Achieving your purpose takes time. I’m learning to trust my timeline because aint no finessing or shortcuts bih. This is real self-work: your hands will get dirty, potentially bloody, and occasionally hit with a ruler. However, with time, your hands will eventually clean themselves and you’ll learn to avoid the ruler.
Lastly, I must acknowledge that growing into my authenticity is success. My definition of success was not in alignment with my purpose. I had to grow into my understanding of self and purpose along with figuring out what definition of success worked for me. Though the process takes times, growing into my authentic self has brought me much closer to my purpose. There is a stronger and healthier spiritual connection that is developed as you grow into your authenticity resulting in a better understanding of your purpose. Striving for perfection did not work for me. I subconsciously chased these different social constructs of perfection because I thought it would lead to my success. The chase manifested in ways that eventually led to my demise--or rebirth. I forcefully molded myself to fit within--physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.
I abandoned my authenticity for the sake of perfection.
But shit happens and now I take the time to explore and transform my understanding of self and purpose into actions.
As 2019 slowly approaches, believe that self-love matters and practice self-love. Take time to explore your authentic self, to identify what success looks like to you, and to recognize your growth in #ALLGREENEVERYTHING2018.
“So... you’re not going to re-visit the bonfire reference?” *yells the security guard working the door.
My feelings at the beginning poisoned my perspective and understanding of the flame. Oddly enough, the flames of a bonfire serve the purpose of disposing waste, creating warmth, and celebrating accomplishments. As I disposed the disappointments, I realized my flame was reacting to the growth I achieved in response to my disappointments. It was the growth from the disappointment that caused my flame to grow stronger. Fears and anxieties are natural reactions to any new experience and that is when trust and faith in self must come in.
Like the flame, trust and faith in self can provide a level of internal warmth especially when fears and anxieties are present. The absence of trust and faith in self can feel internally cold and shape your perspective of the future with a negative lens. I did not have trust and faith in self, so my fears and anxieties about the future ran rapidly. I had to figure out a way to grow beyond that state of doubt and fear using only my abandoned authentic pieces and the pieces that survived the shatter. It was through intentional effort and accountability that I was able to grow into my authenticity and develop trust and faith in myself again.
The reality is that I never lost control, but the environment became chaotic. I learned a while back that control can exist within a chaotic realm if you’re aware of and use your strengths. Like the flame, it’s the harmful substances that are added to the flame that makes it destructive. Be mindful of the type of substance you’re adding to your flame.
Lastly, to stare at the flame with admiration is a celebratory event. Affirming your role in the development of the bonfire and expressing gratitude is the purpose of the celebration. It is important to have those celebratory moments for all milestone. Create your own bonfire even if you’re alone—especially during those moments when you feel low.
Regardless of what others may perceive, know that your flame is safe--even when it seem chaotic. Trust the spiritual guidance that is affirming your current direction. Authenticity provides better access to the spiritual direction needed to add healthy substances to the flame. Continue to understand, embrace, and develop your flame. But most importantly, trust your flame--cuz it’s LIT (mufuckin’ pun intended.)