Here it is, January 1st, 2021 at 12:47 in the morning. Wow, Day 1 of 2021 has arrived. It feels surreal to embrace a new year. Though 2021 is new, it is a continuation of 2020 as well. I welcomed the new year alone in Philadelphia—inebriated sitting in front of my laptop—writing in my hotel room. Oddly enough, I have been looking forward to this moment for a couple weeks. Philadelphia was not originally where or how I was expecting to bring in my New Year especially after my adventures in Rio de Janeiro last year. However, I needed this time with myself. To relax and rest. To inhale deeply and exhale slowly.
Before the pandemic started, #NourishTheFlame2020 asked me to show more care, practice more patience, and practice better discernment. I was making strides. At the end of January, I shifted my routine. I would wake up at 6 in the morning and bike to the gym. I arrived to work earlier, and left work earlier. I ate dinner earlier and went to bed earlier. The shift to my routine was a game changer. I continued into the month of March and then started to slow down. My fatigued kicked in, and so did the pandemic.
Cities shut down, businesses closed, and schools moved to remote learning, all in a matter of weeks. What was once familiar became unsafe. Officials said that home was the safest place to be but that did not mean it was safe for everybody. It is still not safe for everybody. Home felt sharply tense and unsafe when the pandemic started, so I left New York City. I had the privilege to stay with my parents at their house for a couple months until I was able to find a home. A place where I could feel mildly relaxed and safe during the pandemic. A place where I could foster my peace. Any place that disturbs my peace feels like a warzone. Is that not war? To disturb someone’s peace with malicious intent. Often, people confuse peace with order. If one can restore order, then one can restore peace. Historically, that is the logic of the oppressor. Peace cannot be synonymous with order because that would mean peace is not possible in the natural state of chaos. It is in the natural state of chaos that I have found and continue to cultivate my peace. Something only made possible through the acceptance of stillness.
In #NourishTheFlame2020, stillness exposed how intrinsic chaos was to my life and how attached I was to the chaos around me. I rejected stillness at first. It felt disorienting to be still in the new ways the pandemic demanded. My focus tends to be in constant movement. What once was present can quickly become the past. Just as, what was once the past can quickly become the present. Often forgetting the importance of allowing the present to be present. The pandemic slowed me down and I became aware of the chaos that was surrounding me and within me. A room that was once dimly lit became too bright. It takes time for one’s vision to fully adjust to that switch. I had seen it all, and even the things that I wished to ignore, I could no longer avoid acknowledging their existence. Everything revealed was not dreadful, however. Things that were once grand, were miniscule when the light brightened. The light allowed for me to experience gratitude for the progress that I have made thus far. It humbly reminded me that more progress must be made as well. Though it is taking a little while longer, I am adjusting to that switch by keeping the light bright and taking notes while I look around. This commitment contributes to the cultivation of my peace versus attempting to restore order or upholding a façade.
The more I committed to the process, the more I was able to lean into actions that would support the cultivation of my peace. I disconnected from digital platforms and discovered nature in my neighborhood. Working with what was present and being in the present allowed for me to recognize that where I was and what I had was enough. Meditations in the park after morning runs. Reading in the park listening to the liveliness of Bed-stuy. Solo beach trips to Rockaway on the weekend. I did not escape the chaos, I was right in it. These were the places that nurtured peace and embraced the chaos—while taking measures to reduce the spread of COVID-19.
And then, the books. It started with Damon Young and Charlamagne Tha God. As a reader, witnessing two very different Black men authentically share their story evoked a thirst to read more. Reading became my preferred quarantine hobby. I began to purchase more books written by Black writers that highlighted the Black experience. I studied Black literature when I was in undergrad, but this felt different. It was by my own will and at my own pace. I dived headfirst into the works of Toni Morrison, James Baldwin, Colson Whitehead, Ta-Nehisi Coates, and Chimananda Ngozi Adichie. Again, I did not escape the chaos. I knew exactly what I was doing by reading books about the Black experience. The books reminded me that what was happening in this world—this country—had happened before. It was happening in the books. As we were fighting our fight, the characters fought theirs. As we were resisting, the characters resisted. As we were finding ways to heal as a community, the characters had found ways to heal with their community. I was reminded as a member of marginalized communities, I must contribute my voice to reinforce the resistance and assist the healing. So I wrote three essays: Black Rage, Neighbors, Are You Still There, and What’s Going On. These essays served as a beginning to a new form of contribution and nourishment.
#NourishTheFlame2020 gave me the ecosystem to do and be different and learn from that doing and being.
Intentions were honored.
Lessons were learned.
Peace was disturbed.
Clarity was granted.
Grace was given.
Rejection was accepted.
Acceptance was demanded.
Acceptance is still demanded. Funny enough, acceptance being demanded was the foundation that allowed rejection to be accepted; grace to be given; clarity to be granted; peace to be disturbed; lessons to be learned; and intentions to be honored. It all starts with acceptance. I must admit, I still chew slow when digesting rejection. It can taste bitter at first but there is somethin’ sweet in rejection. I think the sweetness comes from the truth in that moment.
Mmm, rich like dark chocolate.
Back in September, on my birthday, I went to my rooftop to express gratitude to the God of my understanding. The expression of gratitude transitioned into meditation. I meditated on Year 28 and my intentions for 29. As I mediated on intentions for 29, “pick it up” was placed upon me gently. The thought of speeding up during an already demanding year created some discomfort initially. Plus, it did not feel in alignment with the stillness that I had been practicing. After more reflection and reframing, I leaned into the possibility that it was a demand to pick something up. Excitement began to build as I leaned into the understanding that there is something waiting on me.
After more months of sitting with “pick it up,” I realized it could be connected to accepting the responsibility or commitment to purpose. We all have purpose. It starts as a spark with the possibility of it developing into a flame. Our purpose is what we’re meant to share with others and add to the flame of humanity. I believe all of us were brought into humanity for a purpose bigger than ourselves. Again, it all starts with acceptance. We are all meant to share in a very specific way. Accepting the commitment to purpose goes hand in hand with discovering how that purpose can be shared with others.
With that being said, the motto for 2021 is #ShareTheFlame2021.
#LiberateTheFlame2019 was about healing, being my most authentic self, and finding spaces and communities that aligned with me. #NourishTheFlame2020 was about being still and present, cultivating peace and embracing chaos, and accepting what is needed to evolve. Liberation did not stop in 2019 and will continue to be worked on. Just as, nourishment will not be left in 2020 and will continue to be lifted up. Both will remain essential in 2021 and beyond. As I continue in #ShareTheFlame2021, these are my intentions for this year:
Earn wisdom. Wisdom ain’t free. Those with wisdom are familiar with the membership fees associated with being wise, and continually pay their dues. There is an amount of effort that must be exerted to move from the state of foolishness to the state of wisdom. My intention is to exert more effort to be more wise and less foolish. I will never experience it all nor is it possible for me to know it all—I can commit to learning though. Learning by listening to others, observing what is around me, and reading more books. And of course, continuing to accept being still and present.
Choose hope. There is something worthwhile on the other side of what we’ve experienced and what we will continue to experience. I am certain 2021 will continue from where 2020 has left off. The grief we have experienced individually and collectively in 2020 will not disappear in 2021 unfortunately. The stages of grief highlights that everyone grieves differently and moves through the grieving process differently. Choosing hope does not mean to disregard the feelings of grief or deny the loss. To choose hope, is to embrace it all. It accepts that hope can return even if what was loss cannot. It also accepts that despair is only one option and not the only option. My intention is to take steps that I can control now to create the desired outcomes for myself as I continue to progress. That choice is critical. It is possible, that even with all the steps taken, that the desired outcomes will not happen when expected. However, as a result of the accumulated effort, there will be desirable outcomes that will happen because I created them. It is a choice that we must put effort towards constantly.
Make and meet demands. Negotiate when necessary especially when wellness is at risk. Commit to what you have asked of yourself and always remember grace. 2020 felt hella demanding for me. I did not care to commit to much nor did I care to meet many commitments. Nourishment was the only demand I was committed to then. My intention is to ask more of myself while being honest about my capacity. Creating a plan for what I’ve asked of myself and following through with that plan. Writing the plan somewhere and speaking it out loud somewhere. Understanding the importance of meeting hard deadlines and recognizing every deadline is not a hard deadline. Building on the consistent discipline I worked on in 2020. As stated before, consistent discipline is the master key that unlocks our highest self.
#ShareTheFlame2021 is here. It will ask of us to commit to striving to be more wise and less foolish. It will ask of us to constantly take steps that will contribute to the desired outcomes we seek. It will ask of us to meet more demands and negotiate when necessary.
By doing so, we can instinctively learn what it means for us to share our flame with others. As we share our flame, we must nourish our flame. As we nourish our flame, we must liberate our flame. As we liberate our flame, we must share our flame. It is a continuous cycle that fuels our flame and the flame of others.
Keep it going in #ShareTheFlame2021.