Here it is, May 16th, 2018 at 11:37 at night. As each day ends, I feel uneasy as a new one begins because I am closer to the date. The date is May 20th, 2018. I thought a new chapter of my life would begin on this date but the consequences of an irresponsible decision I made on October 20th, 2017 prevented me from fulfilling my original plan. Between the two dates, I don’t know which date haunted me the most but both dates suffocated me. The further away from one date I was, the closer I was to the other--I felt trapped in the midst of my thunderstorm. The same thunderstorm I created is the same thunderstorm that would only end once I learned my lesson.
*cues the instrumental to Friends by Whodini*
Storms--how many of us have them?
Storms--ones we tend to stress on.
Storms--how many of us have them?
Storms--before we go any further, let’s be real about storms.
*cuts the instrumental*
We create more storms for ourselves than we acknowledge. Recently, I’ve been subconsciously asking myself about my current mental and emotional state because I felt like my storm was not ending anytime soon. Thunderstorms are those rough gaps we experience in our lives. The duration of the thunderstorm varies but it’s usually a month to a couple months. A period where your hope and faith are constantly challenged, you feel alone and you’re forced to dig deep inside and persevere. Sometimes it takes motivation in the form of a thunderstorm to inspire the changed behavior needed to progress. Life is about growing--it’s a constant process and connects to my theme of the year #ALLGREENEVERYTHING2018. Recognize and accept you’re here to serve a specific purpose. Our lives serve as an essential lesson to many people like how others’ lives have done the same for us. As we learn and grow in life, the full story behind our growth allows others to learn and grow as well.
In my last blog, I shared about growth, the importance of facing your truths, and “throwing the whole chip away.” This past weekend, I faced my truth in front of a few important people and it felt refreshing. I shared my story of removing my mask--healing, expressing, and learning to be my most authentic self while recognizing the strength in vulnerability. Sometimes, in order for you to move forward, you must dig deeper into the experiences that have created you.
On this journey, I live for those moments when the synchronicity of the universe moves me closer to my purpose. I dread those moments when irresponsible decisions derail me from the more peaceful route to my purpose--leading me to the stormier route. I also dread the frequent moments when the universe and my higher being ignores my request to affirm my current path. Oddly enough, those requests happen when I am on the stormier route. Faith and focus is the only response I receive and I never feel like those responses are enough.
Throughout my childhood, I struggled with social anxiety and establishing lasting friendships. Being able to establish a respectable social network was important to me and it hurt when my siblings was the furthest my social network extended. I was determined to expand my social network and when I did it felt good and it seem like a healthy solution. Throughout adolescence, my determination to expand my social network created an imbalance in my academics. My three goals during adolescence were to engage in meaningful social interactions, establish a respectable social status, and maintain my status. Luckily, I found balance between my social life and my academics but by the time I mastered it--college was around the corner.
Throughout early adulthood, I used alcohol to cope with my social anxiety in social gatherings. What happens when you frequent social gatherings and believe you’re at your best when you have alcohol in your system? Using alcohol to cope with social anxiety in social settings is normal. Alcohol use or substance use is real and does not have one face. Mental Health professionals would say there is a thin line between dependency and abuse. Users would say the line tends to blur when alcohol or other substances are in your system. I failed to avoid dependency even though I do not drink when I feel frustrated or depressed. Subconsciously, my want to prove others wrong and establish lasting friendships fueled my alcohol usage. I avoided addressing the deeper problem by practicing unhealthy and risky behaviors--creating a thunderstorm of cognitive dissonance. The social culture of college categorized alcohol and substance use as acceptable behavior in return for social acceptance, a vast social network, and a memorable time. I would boast about my ability to be intoxicated and still make sound decisions. There were numerous times when I thought I functioned well and nothing happened aside from a long nap here and there. This made me believe the behavior was acceptable or at least manageable but it was unhealthy and risky.
A couple months ago, I decided to stop drinking and learn to be comfortable in social settings. That’s when I realized my social anxiety was definitely real and the usage of alcohol to soothe my social anxiety was toxic. Truth is, I’m shy, socially awkward, hate initiating conversations and prefer to be alone with the option to be social.
My social anxiety is still present now. I recognize I do not have to engage in any social activities, my sober state is more attractive than my intoxicated state, and I can enjoy social settings without drinking even when my social anxiety is present. It may sound ridiculous but I seriously believed it was not possible until a couple months ago. I don’t know if alcohol encouraged me to be myself without worries or encouraged me to be the person I thought everyone wanted me to be.
It’s not until you get caught that you’re forced to acknowledge the decisions made were irresponsible and your behavior was unmanageable and unacceptable. Usually, I make sound decisions but I failed to do so when it mattered the most. Now, I recognize and assess the risk of all behaviors and decisions that have the potential to derail my purpose down the stormier paths. In general, unhealthy and risky behaviors can be contagious. We tend to glorify unhealthy and risky behaviors yet rarely do we share the storm that followed or the outcome of the storm. Our youth need to hear about the storm that followed and the outcomes from that storm.
Here’s mine.
I received a DUI after leaving a club on October 20th, 2017. I was celebrating my last homecoming in the states because I was leaving for two years to serve in the Peace Corps. After the incident, my invitation was rescinded. The irresponsible decision has cost me more financially, spiritually, and mentally than if I would’ve caught an Uber. Those fun moments are better when they can happen again and that could’ve been my last moment. Don’t drink and drive regardless of how good you believe your driving skills are because I was one minute from my house when I was arrested. I won’t say my storm has ended yet; however, I will say the growth I’ve achieved will propel me further than where I would have landed before.
It’s so easy to forget that every action has an equal and opposite reaction. It’s so easy to normalize the practice of unhealthy and risky behaviors when you never hear about the outcome until it has a direct impact on you or someone close to you. Maybe your luck is not up yet; but don’t wait until then--do better now. It’s your chance.
To those currently in the storm, your growth starts with being honest with yourself. Stay focused on changing the unhealthy and risky behaviors that created the storm. Your storm will end as soon as you metamorphose into a better you and the lesson is learned. Move forward and share the full story of your growth so others can learn from you.
I could suggest you avoid engaging in unhealthy and risky behaviors--but that’s not my place nor my intentions. I would encourage you to take time and identify all the unhealthy and risky behaviors you practice that can have a negative impact on you and your purpose. Explore the reasoning behind those unhealthy and risky behavior you practice now. Take time to identify healthier options that have lower risk. Be committed to working through the deeper problem.
Lastly, it’s hard to recognize the beauty of the storm while in it but the growth is beautiful. Everyone’s process is different but our struggles are the same. You’re not alone.