Here it is, April 22nd, 2018, at 10:43 at night. What is on my mind?
OVER-LOAD. Shutting down in 5...4...3...2... *powers off*
*Powers on*
Seriously, growth is on my mind. Growth looks different for everyone. For me, growth demands a heightened awareness of self and my environment through deconstruction. Growth involves assessing the duality of thoughts within my head and coming to the conclusion--I’m still carrying a chip on my shoulder.
Growth is grueling. It requires a level of acceptance that most people eagerly avoid acknowledging. Recently, I’ve been acknowledging those types of truth because the lies have kept me stagnant. The lies provide comfort and the excuses evolve into legitimate reasons--in my mind at least. The true growth starts with exploring those truths and unveiling the excuses turned legitimate reasons.
Growing up, I always carried the chip on my shoulder. You’re too this, you’re not enough of that, or you could never do this. I hear negativity the loudest through self-doubt--the echoes of my naysayers. My motives developed to prove naysayers wrong instead of to grow and figure out my purpose because the opinions of others would hurt. I would prove naysayers wrong and it felt great--every time.
However, there were too many times when I did something I did not want to do--to prove others wrong. In hindsight, that shit was unhealthy and not sustainable. Unintentionally, I internalized others’ opinions more than I wanted and their voices of doubt never left. The “I’ll never be good enough to them so why continue to try” plagued me internally more than it should. Then I developed a mask of carelessness to hide that I still cared deeply. Eventually, I learned I cannot control how others perceive me but I can be genuine and mindful about how my actions affect others.
I worked continually to accomplish goals, in hopes that the burden would eventually be lifted but it was not. The chip felt heavier the more I achieved. The chip builds character but the lasting effects can cause your character to crumble if ignored for too long. We’re taught the chip is good but it’s actually trauma.
Let’s re-evaluate our beliefs that are rooted in trauma more frequently. Let’s address the trauma and let’s stop using trauma to excuse unhealthy actions towards others. It’s not fair.
Growth is grueling. It requires a level of consistency and commitment to self that is uncomfortable. It’s uncomfortable to acknowledge my inconsistencies and make the changes needed to evolve. It’s uncomfortable to acknowledge how I have not been committed to myself as much as I could and to make the effort to be committed to myself the way I know I need. Whenever self-doubt arise, self-affirmation must rise higher. I still struggle when opportunities and relationships don’t go as planned but I’m not as hard on myself now. The knowledge gained from pursuing the opportunities and relationships are valuable. I am learning to become my biggest supporter instead of my worst enemy.
Growth is grueling. It starts with me and being able to hold myself accountable for my growth. Obviously, this is my least favorite but it’s the first truth. It was my decision to put the chip on my shoulder--regardless of the reason--and I must knock it off. I must continue to be vigilant in my fight against self-doubt and make an intentional effort to keep the chip off my shoulder. And most importantly, I must call my bullshit when I be on that bullshit before my bullshit affects me. If I catch my bullshit before it affects me--then it will not affect anyone else. Growth will not knock the chip off, it allows you to recognize you do not nor did you need the chip to achieve your purpose. If anything, the chip only prolongs your journey. Growth affirms that you can knock off the chip and everything will still be good.
Growth is a fluid process that continues if you’re ready or not. The universe creates opportunities for us to grow and we can control the outcome. The process of deconstructing old experiences, thoughts and behaviors and reconstructing new yet healthier thoughts and behavior simultaneously is grueling--and that is what growth demands. One can attempt to ignore the importance of deconstruction but eventually you will be forced to deconstruct the harmful thought patterns or face destruction. Some of our biggest addictions are a response to the fear of deconstruction. We must break down faulty pieces and find the stronger pieces within while making sure to avoid the faulty pieces—imagine the level of awareness needed to avoid those pieces especially if they're deeply engrained in your identity. For me, isolation has helped me improve my level of awareness so that I do not pick up those faulty pieces unintentionally. In solitude, I am able to identify and revive the stronger pieces within to construct new direction, beliefs, and actions.
Growth will continue if I decide to carry the chip or not. Removing the chip is a process just like intentionally keeping the chip off.
You don’t need the chip. First, explore the root of the chip. Then, identify beliefs adopted and behaviors practiced in response to the chip. Lastly, throw it away. Continue to stick with this grueling process called growth.
Deconstruct to reconstruct. Deconstruct to Reconstruct. Deconstruct to Reconstruct.
Most importantly, learn to be your biggest supporter and not your worst enemy--and that does not mean to bullshit yourself.
#ALLGREENEVERYTHING2018.