Here it is, December 20th, 2017, at 2:00 in the morning. I’ve had much to say but I decided to just listen more specifically to myself. A smile and forward-thinker shares the same narrative as a frown struggling to cope with the past. Many of the answers we seek are hidden under layers of hurt and lies developed to protect our vulnerability. I’m learning how to bring out those answers within and fully process my past experiences and the different environments. I’ve gain a better understanding of patience and my limitations along with affirming my growth throughout this process. Expression is healthy for me and it helps with recovering properly.
Another degree retrieved, according to society, means that I’ve joined a new group of young intellects ready to change the world with their post-graduate degrees. I thought the degree would give me Super Saiyan strength and the ability to conquer all the enemies of the world. But nah, I felt tired. I felt unprepared and scared. I felt empty. I felt powerless. I realized I needed a break but it would cost me my status in the hierarchy of power. What’s next?! What else could I do to make myself more competitive in this market and protect my place and power?
What if I lose it?
I lost it.
Is it happiness that we as people chase or is it power? The majority of my life thus far has been spent developing a protective armor to intimidate others and assert my power--it wasn’t until recently that I realized it.
Society has created a hierarchy of power and set the standards for each tier along with the image required to maintain status in each tier. We set goals in an attempt to meet the standards and make the necessary changes to advance to the next tier. For those oppressed and unable to reach another tier, we seek to compete against those in the same tier as us and sometimes re-define the different tiers of power within the original hierarchy--- just to have a better place and power. Imagine the reality, the emptiness we seek to fill with power will never be satisfying enough. It is only a temporary fix. Only through filling the emptiness with peace can we remove the feeling of emptiness.
Like most, the source of my power came from my ability to influence others and the praises (affirmation) I received from others. Then, I decided to give it up. I made the decision to avoid a life built on the premise of obtaining power while constantly feeling empty--searching to fill the emptiness. I began the journey with a detox, finding strength in being powerless and not seeking to retrieve power from others. The first step to finding peace is recognizing your strengths and affirming your strengths. The second step is identifying the source of your power. Power is given; strength is found. Power can disappear but strength will always be inside us--we just have to be vulnerable enough to experience our strengths.
Why do we fear being considered powerless? Why is the absence of power synonymous with the absence of strength? Is it so hard to believe at our core, the most vulnerable state, we are strong? We’re able to see that we’re not alone in this world and more alike than we think. I’d imagine the person you decide to marry is the one whom you believe you’re able to be the most vulnerable around and your vulnerability is encouraged--it’s protected. I believe that is what we all want.
Those months after graduation were the most intimate times I had with myself. I was stressed yet at peace. I felt I was being too weak in chaos but I found strength in those moments of weakness. I found strength in being vulnerable. I learned to create positive energy without anyone being around. I learned to slow down and enjoy the present. I became more intune with my body, mind, and spirit. I learned how to be comfortable with myself without knowing if I’ve fully developed into that person.
I was more aware of people who were dependent on taking others power. I could see their fear of being vulnerable. I could see they were still hurt and did not recover properly. I could see people drained, by power monger people and I would share my energy. It restored their energy and though we were different, we understood humanity and the importance of shared peace in a chaotic reality.
Fast forward, a couple months later. I am at peace but mostly in solitude. Circumstances and experiences have forced me to embrace my strengths and recognize that I do not need the sources of power to fuel my peace. I’m learning the importance of conserving my energy because circumstances and experiences can be draining. I’m learning the importance of disconnecting and using the time to fill my emptiness with positivity by affirming my strengths and my accomplishments. I will share my experience as I am doing now but I do not have enough energy to give to those who are drained and in need nor to those who maliciously attempt to take—and that is ok. I hope what I share is helpful on their journey or will encourage them to start their journey.
The journey is real. The emptiness is real. The consistent effort to choose peace over power is real--but you must first acknowledge its realness. Peace will and can fill the emptiness that you feel when you’re ready. Trust yourself, trust your journey, and trust your strength.
This is just the beginning as I continue on my journey of vulnerability. Further analysis and reflection will come in the near future.
Stay Tune...
“Part II. The Bullied Transformation”