Here it is, December 30th, 2017, 5:35 in the evening. I’m at this brewery and I think this is my new spot. The ambience, the beer, the energy, the proximity is fitting.
Expression is therapeutic.
As a child, I remember always hearing “stay outta grown folks business” when I would inquire about certain interactions amongst family members. Luckily, the adult would vent on the phone and I would casually retrieve the details. Our children do the same. What they perceive, without the proper explanation, can lead to a misunderstanding that becomes a belief. Like sponges, absorbing our frustration, our hurt, our anger, our mistrust, our habits, and our inability to establish and maintain healthy relationship with others--which we care for.
To understand someone is to know about their childhood. I believe everything derives from our childhood experiences and how we perceived our experiences--the good, the bad, and the indifferent. The frustration from our lack of understanding self could all disappear if we learned the importance of understanding our past and what type of support we need in the present and future. Similarly, the frustration created from our lack of understanding of others could all disappear if we learned the importance of understanding others’ past and how to support them in the present and future. Not in a way to excuse their unhealthy behaviors but to understand their processing and to encourage them to process those experiences and recover properly.
Growing up, the development of my perception was rather normal. I would depend on the reactions of others in my environment to gauge my experiences: if it was good, bad or indifferent. Once I matured, I realized the reactions of others was a good baseline for understanding my experiences then but not moving forward. I had to re-assess my experiences and re-define my understanding to achieve growth within. I learned I never really processed nor recovered from my past experiences.
Those experiences from the past manifest within, and I’ve learned to be an adult and function based on that manifestation. The lack of closure, the lack of understanding the decision made by family members, the lack of feeling good enough, the lack of strength, the lack of direction. Frustration repressed and turned into motivation to be better--still there simmering. I could say it was not a big deal but deep down inside it was and it still is.
Growing pains.
The unfinished business we inherited from our elders and the ones that we intentionally avoid addressing that we unintentionally pass down to our future generations. As we grow older, the pain continues to grow. The longer we avoid gaining the answers and understanding, the more pain we can experience and more hurt we can cause others. It is when the unfinished business has reached its boiling point that it becomes a reminder that the business is unfinished. I think that is what is most frustrating. We expect to move past something that we have not fully addressed.
Is it possible to gain peace without fully processing and recovering from those experiences? Whether it is receiving the closure, the understanding of the decision made by family members, receiving the affirmation from those family members whom will always matter most, or receiving support that you’re strong and competent to make the best decisions for yourself. It’s important and it matters that we all receive that for the sanctity of our peace. To be vulnerable, is to recognize that we still need those answers and understanding. I spoke about not being dependent on affirmation as an adult but that is the only thing we have as children. As adults, the lack of receiving those answers and understanding can hinder us from peace--and have us chasing power or happiness like we did as children.
It can be scary addressing an experience and/or person that caused you pain. The constant battle inside because the growing pain lingers is not childish---it is human. Are you willing to forgive without an apology? Not in a way to accept the behavior that was done or even “defeat” but to release the hurt when you’re ready. It’s heavy on you. Sometimes we expect closure to be an apology and that’s something we do not have control over. However, we do have control over our reactions and the boundaries we set moving forward.
Moving forward, set boundaries for all your family members. Through conversation, unveil the different perspectives to gain a comprehensive understanding of your past experiences and developed perceptions. Learn about your family history, the growing pains that have been passed down from generation to generation. Those who guided us were students then and are still learning. All students become teachers and all teachers remain students. Some lessons were not taught to them as they were not taught to you. It is when you learn about their history that you can recognize their growth and effort. It may not seem like much to you but remember where your strength lies. Through conversation, you may learn that something did or did not happen because it was outside of their boundaries from what they learned. You may also learn that something did happen because the idea of boundaries was not a familiar concept to them. Luckily, it is never too early or too late to set boundaries for others. Setting boundaries is a major key to developing a healthy relationship with others especially family members. You will recognize your strength within your family by establishing boundaries. This is important if it was never established nor respected. Our children must understand their strength by establishing and respecting boundaries as well. The trajectory of the cycles can change---but change comes with understanding. That is how you avoid passing down unfinished business to your future generation.
Do something different and change the cycle. Address the unfinished business. Gain more understanding. Accept the apology that you haven’t received and release the hurt. Start the process of recovery to stop the growing pains from hurting you or anybody else. Set your boundaries and respect others’ boundaries.
Lastly, be the best you because you deserve it.